Discineration, to Coin a Term

From all of us professional cooks out here, thank you Par-Way Tryson for Vegalene®!

We have a running battle in my house—and why my wife has decided to make her stand on this particular piece of turf is beyond me—over pan spray, of all things. We use Vegalene at the restaurant as do most restaurants. So common is it that cooks ask "Where is the Vegalene?" even if the restaurant stocks the cheap knock off from Sysco.

So naturally, when we need pan spray at home, I bring home a can of the tried-and-true Vegalene and for some reason, this sets my wife off: "I can't stand that crap! It's too thick." The tirade goes on from there, but all I hear is Charlie Brownesque "wah-wa-wah-wa-waaaa." And my can of Vegalene disappears only to be replaced by not one, but two cans of Pam® crap, no doubt bought at Costco in the twin pack because everyone needs more than one can at a time!

So, what set off the kitchen curmudgeon today? It probably all started with the fact that I got to bed around 2am, early for a Saturday night actually, only to be awakened at 6am by the beagle wanting to go out, because the kids are too lazy to do it so that their father might sleep in on his one morning off. Once I'm awake, there's no going back to sleep.

But what started me to the incendiary point was that my eldest daughter asked me to make some pancakes for her. No problem. I whipped up some batter and went to the stove to cook the pancakes in the pan that she so thoughtfully set out for me, the worst pan in the entire house and the one most likely to stick. How my beautiful pan got to be this way is a long story involving four females that inhabit my house while I am not there, and that is a tirade that I don't want to broach currently.

Confronted with this pan, I could have swapped it for another, but they're all dirty and in the sink. Why? Ask the aforementioned foursome as I have nothing to do with it. So, I need to oil up the pan pretty well to make halfway successful pancakes and I reach for my speed bottle of oil, which is obviously empty and has been that way for months, hence the three liter can of extra virgin olive oil on the counter. Fab foursome too lazy to refill it.

I didn't really want to use extra virgin anyway, so I opened the cabinet to get the Vegalene only to be confronted with the two cans of Pam. I sprayed the pan with Pam and poof! Acrid smoke and black gunk in the bottom of the pan. Pam sucks.

At this moment, my wife came into the kitchen and we renewed our friendly (it is really a pretend scuffle on our part) battle over pan spray. I was so tired and flabbergasted at the non-performance of the less than satisfactory pan spray, that my mind could not decide which term to use, incinerate or disintegrate, and it came out "discinerate!" And so our mock battle ended in a good laugh.

But the Vegalene is coming home this afternoon when I get back from the restaurant!